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TJMF Publishing - Open Mike Cafe Editor's Desk Staff Editor Patty Zion |
Bear Rubbers By leadaches
The skins of trees wrap tightly
like convoluted highways to the heavens.
Traversed by the most insignificant
here the endless trails of insects intersect.
Deeply grooved like the faces of old men
with knobby protrusions extending from limbs,
One can almost see Methuselah in the many
varied twists and shadowed patterns.
Tattooed often with lovers declarations etched sharply in relief,
they are diaries to loves long since marked and felled.
A pita wrap for woodpeckers containing many juicy tidbits,
and a place to get a grip for squirrels, who look for nuts all day,
Tree bark wraps each forest dweller from roots to crown,
as a body armor against the harsh elements,
in layers of living love.
Bear Rubbers voices the praises of tree bark, using the poetic devices of imagery, personification, alliteration, and allusion. Leadaches walks the reader along the bark of giant trees, narrating the journey with imaginative descriptions. The poem explores various uses and purposes nature intends for the tree's skin.
Strengths:
Bear Rubbers stands out in the reader's mind because of its vivid portrayal of each aspect of tree bark's life. We discover not only the reason for tree bark's existence, but also the deeper meaning of this outer representation of the tree's life, its love for fellow creatures and for itself. In essence, leadaches takes the tree bark to a mystical place, where higher purpose exists and thrives. We escape the confines of daily life as we travel through these lines and images.
The poem begins with a strong image - convoluted highways. The reader immediately starts on the mental walk around the tree, feeling the depth and texture of the bark.
The ending holds a similar attraction, but this time on a much higher plane - the level of love, and the indication of layers, which of course has a double meaning - layers of bark and layers of life and significance.
In the midsection, the poem takes a peek at the life of various forest animals. Bear Rubbers speaks from the voice of someone who knows the woods.
Suggestions for improvement:
The poem's title does not do anything to entice readers into this artful work. Bear Rubbers could have several meanings, but in general, the term rubbers has negative connotations. The poem itself rises so far above the title as to make the name seem silly and pun-driven.
A more appropriate title might mention the higher implications of the tree bark, and would probably be longer than two words. This poem, in fact, has the feeling of an ode, so the word ode would feel comfortable in the title.
Several lines and phrases seem unnecessary in this work, and in fact detract from the total impression. These deletions might tighten and strengthen the poem:
Theskins of trees wraptightlylike convoluted highways to the heavens.
Traversed by the most insignificant
here theendless trails of insects intersect.Deeply grooved like the faces of old men
with knobby protrusions extending from limbs,
One can almost seeMethuselah in themany
variedtwists and shadowed patterns.Tattooed often with lovers declarations etched
sharply in relief,they are diaries to loves long since marked and felled.
A pita wrap for woodpeckers
containing many juicy tidbits,and a place to get a grip for squirrels,
who look for nuts all day,Tree bark wraps each forest dweller from roots to crown,
as a body armor against the harsh elements,
in layers of living love.
With the excess verbiage cut away, the poem can dance with a new feeling of fitness and vigor. Slight adjustments of grammar, usage, and punctuation will bring it to full vitality. Here is one way it might work better:
Theskins of trees wraptightlylike convoluted highways to the heavens.
Like convoluted highways to the heavens, (comma)
skin of tree wraps the core.
(Note reversal of the opening lines for higher impact and imagery, and the singular voice of skin of tree, in keeping with the singular each in the ending.)
Traversed by the most insignificant
here theendless trails of insects intersect.
Insects, the most insignificant beings, traverseand intersect in endless trails.
(Slight rewording for better clarity.)
Deeply grooved like the faces of old men
Methuselah in the twists and shadowed patterns.
Deeply grooved like the faces of old men,
twists and shadowed patterns resemble Methuselah.
Tattooed often with lovers declarations etched
they are diaries to loves long since marked and felled.
Etched, tattooed with lovers' declarations,
they are diaries to loves long since marked and felled.
A pita wrap for woodpeckers
and a place to get a grip for squirrels,
Woodpeckers find in the bark a pita wrap,
While squirrels get a grip.
Tree bark wraps each forest dweller from roots to crown,
as a body armor against the harsh elements,
in layers of living love.
Body armor against harsh elements,
tree bark wraps each forest dweller
from roots to crown (no comma)
in layers of living love.
This arrangement maintains the alliteration of the final line while tying the thoughts more closely to the opening.
Most powerful phrases:
like convoluted highways to the heavens.
Here, the poet invents a remarkable way of looking at tree bark, providing a unique viewpoint and voice.
Deeply grooved like the faces of old men
This poignant phrasing, takes the reader back in time while noting the similarity of trees and humanity. We sense the higher nature of the poetic voice.
in layers of living love.
A charming, alliterative ending, shows the reason for the entire poem. Leadaches has succinctly summed up the essence of tree bark in a few words.
Bear Rubbers shows visualization and creativity in its story line. The poet gives us several new ways to look at tree bark, providing a fascinating viewpoint and feeling of natural escape. With a new title and a healthy dose of editing, this poem will be worthy of publication in a volume of nature poetry. Thank you, leadaches.
Patty Zion, Staff Editor