 |
TJMF Publishing - Open Mike Cafe Editor's Desk Staff Editor Patty Zion |
A Child's Eye by LL Stokes
"Will the sun ever rise again?"
the child looked at me to ask
"That's how it's always been"
I turned away and tipped my flask.
"But you're a drunk" he said to me
"how is it that you would know?"
"A child like you knows what I see?
Tell me now - that that ain't so."
"I wish I didn't - it's really sad,
I'd rather not and have my dad."
----------
A Child's Eye tells the tragic story of a father and son by using a simple conversation. The poem takes a philosophical approach, with little metaphor, which places it clearly in the narrative style of poetry.
Strengths:
The author follows in the footsteps of the classic "people's poet," Robert W. Service, as he carries the reader directly into a sad situation. The theme is clear, and word choices - always been, flask, drunk, sad - serve to further the mood and theme.
The use of dialogue makes for a creative style. Simply changing from one voice to the other keeps the reader's interest throughout the stanzas; this heightened tension carries us to the very end.
The narrator is the person inside the tragedy, the father. This accentuates the sorrow and gives added meaning to the story. L. L. Stokes has wisely given the poem more authenticity by choosing the alcoholic to tell the tale.
Suggested areas for improvement:
The difficulties within this poem lie in two general areas: clarity and form.
The issue of clarity is an important one, since we want the reader to follow along with the poet's thoughts throughout the work. However, the thoughts in the this poem tend to meander. The story begins with the child asking whether the sun will rise again - essentially a question about what the future will bring. However, the text then tells us that the child thinks the man cannot see the answer, simply because he is a drunk. The man asks how the child could possibly know what he sees. And then the child wishes it were not so.
Essentially, these questions all tiptoe around the real issue, which is the man's alcoholism, but none of the questions really follow each other logically. The most confusing part is the idea that the child knows what the man can and cannot see; this suits the story, but does not reflect reality.
Another issue of clarity is that the child is not identified as the man's son. This leads the reader to some confusion when the child ends by saying "and have my dad." A simple remedy would be to begin more clearly:
my son looked at me to ask
The second area needing development and perfecting is the area of form. One common problem - meter - makes the form distracting rather than beneficial to the poem. The meter is inconsistent throughout the body of the work. A simple syllable count of each line reveals the variation:
8, 7, 6, 8, 8, 7, 8, 7, 9, 8
Likewise, we can count the stresses in each line, which are even more important:
5, 3 3, 4 4, 4 4, 4 4, 4
This brings us to the conclusion that the poem's rhythm could naturally settle at eight beats per line, with four stresses per line.
Also, lines one, six, and eight use trochaic meter, with the accent on the first syllable of the line. All the other lines use iambic meter, with the accents on the second syllable of the line. Since the poem seems to want iambic tetrameter (eight syllable per line, with the accent on the second syllable of each foot), I suggest rewriting the poem so that all the lines follow this prevailing meter. The final line can serve as a perfect example of the iambic tetrameter form:
I'd rath/ er not/ and have/ my dad."
Most powerful phrases:
I turned away and tipped my flask. Here, the poet reveals an entire story in one line. This is masterful storytelling, very fitting for a tragic poem.
I'd rather not and have my dad. A powerful ending, revealed by the son. Using this line to end the poem creates a memorable takeaway, which haunts the reader and gives the poem more impact.
A Child's Eye relates a drama that is all too common, using straightforward conversation to reveal what the poet wants us to know. The haunting message will be delivered with more power when the poem is edited for clarity and brought into consistent form. Thank you, L. L. Stokes.
Patty Zion, Staff Editor