 |
TJMF Publishing - Open Mike Cafe Editor's Desk Staff Editor Patty Zion |
Into Darkness
by wordwench
A familiar avenue presents itself
void of color except
black and white variations.
Tint and hue were first to go
followed by lessening light.
Once-brilliant skies are cloaked in mesh
with only tiny barbs of illumination hung
like iridescent threads from a black blanket
cloaking all solar elements in my world.
Dawns have grown dim.
I crave a pale sunset or washed-out rainbow,
and long for the individuality of faces,
taken so long for granted.
I despise seeing less of who they are
for it allows me to hear them better.
Soon it will be time to take out
my retractable, white cane
and, with its sweep,
find my way down uneven,
concrete sidewalks of life.
Will you teach me to count steps
or like light, will loyalty fade?
Whose arm will I hold
as I take up my whispered identity of
"that blind man?"
Into Darkness speaks from the viewpoint of a man who is slowly losing his sight. Wordwench tells a poignant story, as we witness the colors fading and the light lessening. The narrator illustrates his experience, and then ends with two questions about what the future holds for him and his loved ones.
Strengths:
This poem begins with a strong title. The word Into essentially relates the gradual nature of this illness which steals a person's vision. We already have a feeling of movement. Darkness, of course, could refer to many different themes, so the title does not reveal too much - rather, it entices the reader to go further into the story.
The ending is equally strong, as we are all challenged to examine our own views and depth of empathy. While the questions are directed to a close friend or family member, we also feel that we are being questioned and tested. This gives the reader a wrenching takeaway to remember long after reading the poem.
Wordwench has chosen the perfect voice and viewpoint for this poem. The man who is living through the loss of sight speaks directly to us, and no one could say it with more authority and emotion. We do not hear a lecture by the poet; rather, we hear words of experience and suffering. Somehow, the speaker also relays a sense of strength, even while going through this adversity.
Suggested areas for improvement:
The power of this poem already comes through clearly. The only area that seems to need adjustment is the flow, which might be strengthened with a slightly different arrangement of lines and words.
For instance, the opening line A familiar avenue presents itself does not carry the reader quickly into the poem. The first stanza might be rearranged for more impact, like this:
Tint and hue were first to go
followed by lessening light.
A familiar avenue presents itself (comma)
void of color except
black and white variations.
Since tint and hue are more visual elements, this arrangement feels more concrete and specific, so the reader immediately feels at ease and is encouraged to read on.
The final line of the second stanza, cloaking all solar elements in my world, also seems out of character for the speaker, who usually addresses us in a simple, straightforward tone. He might say, instead, something like this:
Cloaking the sun, moon, and stars.
In these two lines, the poet leaves the reader behind by moving a bit too quickly:
I despise seeing less of who they are
for it allows me to hear them better.
The obvious question is, why? Why would hearing them better be so unpleasant for him? We need a little more information or another image to portray his thoughts here.
Most powerful phrases:
Tint and hue were first to go This line has a cadence that haunts the ear, accompanied by a sense of color, even though we are told the color is faded.
Dawns have grown dim. Another excellent cadence, with just a touch of alliteration in the d sounds. This line feels very memorable.
and, with its sweep, I found myself awestruck at the clear image of these words. We can actually hear and see the cane sweeping back and forth on the sidewalk.
Will you teach me to count steps Such a convicting question will remain in the mind for a long, long time. Will you? Will we? This is a superb way to begin rounding off the poem.
Into Darkness spills over with an affective voice, solemn tone, and pointed questions for all of us. By using carefully chosen words, wordwench has definitely captured the emotional tone of someone who is losing his eyesight. This poem has a meaningful theme, which will come through even more clearly with only a few minor adjustments to the flow of ideas. Thank you, wordwench.
Patty Zion
Staff Editor