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TJMF Publishing - Open Mike Cafe Editor's Desk Staff Editor Patty Zion |
Don't Wake Me
By LL Stokes
What a beautiful place.
Peace redefined.
Such a comfortable rest;
encased in the finest linen
and silk.
So many beautiful people
and such soft, sweet, music.
I'm finally relaxed enough
to enjoy life.
Yet, I see sad faces.
Please turn out the lights
when you leave,
and
don't wake me.
Don't Wake Me takes a unique view on life - and death. LL Stokes has assumed the roles of observer and philosopher, but from a new perspective.
This poem uses a lighthearted approach to a serious subject. Observing, as he is, from his position of power and vision, the narrator is able to deliver some very interesting and powerful messages.
Strengths:
Brevity serves the subject and mood of Don't Wake Me. The narrator only tells us what we absolutely must know, and no more. The poet describes the scene, but only in general terms, and only from one viewpoint.
The narrator is at once speaking to the mourners and to the reader. As he tells them to turn off the lights and refrain from waking him, he also tells the reader to slow down and enjoy what life offers. We ponder the nature of rest and appreciation. We learn to send away those who would disturb our peace. We sense the tentative nature of life itself.
The title draws the reader into the scene while giving a touch of humor and suspense. Exactly who is this person telling us he wants to sleep, and why?
When the reader finally figures out the mystery, there is an element of pleasure, much like the feeling we have when we complete a jigsaw puzzle. The poet wisely refrains from giving more information than necessary, but allows the sharp reader to analyze the facts and arrive at a conclusion.
Suggestions for improvement:
The second line is indented without apparent reason. This may be a formatting error. In any case, it is slightly distracting; I suggest left aligning it to conform to the shape of the poem.
Also in this section, the poet uses several sentence fragments in a row:
Peace redefined.
Such a comfortable rest;
encased in the finest linen
and silk.
So many beautiful people
and such soft, sweet, music.
The poem would read more smoothly if one of these fragments were rewritten as a complete sentence.
While the majority of Don't Wake Me has excellent logic and direction, there is a small glitch in the flow of thoughts following this line:
Yet, I see sad faces.
The thought about sad faces is left hanging. This needs a bit more development in order to slide into the final strophe without an abrupt feeling. What does the narrator want to say to the people with the sad faces? Why has he mentioned them? The answers to these questions might provide a possible way to smooth this slight bump in the poem’s movement.
Most powerful phrases:
Such a comfortable rest;
encased in the finest linen
and silk.
Here, the poet delivers several hints about the scene. It is a restful place, and the narrator is encased in fine fabrics. The word encased connotes the state of being enclosed in wood, and at the same time, there is a sense of beauty and opulence.
I'm finally relaxed enough
to enjoy life.
A moment of bittersweet thought hits the reader in this words. LL Stokes successfully delivers a small truth about life - most of us need to find a way to enjoy the living of it before it is too late.
Don't Wake Me succeeds in its mission of using a lighthearted touch to deliver a meaningful message. LL Stokes has created a charming, layered poem for the smart, careful reader. The puzzle, once solved, has the feeling of a funny punch line. This poem will be publishable in a choice of venues with only minor edits. Thank you, LL Stokes.
Patty Zion, Staff Editor