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TJMF Publishing - Open Mike Cafe Editor's Desk Staff Editor Patty Zion |
First Light by Marion A. Poirier
Take my hand Edward;
walk with me.
I will be your eyes.
I'll drift on black clouds,
through white corridors with you.
We'll sleep on wooden benches
like twin moons, and
my face will be the first
you see at dawn.
I ask for nothing more.
First Light relates the friendship and romance of a woman and a blind man, using a minimum of words and maximum of emotion.
Strengths:
Marion takes the reader on a brief but meaningful journey. Even with few lines, there is a strong sense of movement, as we walk, sleep on benches, and watch the dawn. We feel a heady romance, which seems grounded in long term love and the blending of souls. While she never actually tells us that Edward is blind, we know it when we read five simple words: I will be your eyes. What follows gives an even more intense glance into the relationship between two people.
The title leads the reader into the idea of something reborn or looked at in a new way. First light denotes the moment when the sun comes up, but it also connotes the opening of a mind to a new idea. Marion takes advantage of this dual meaning.
And again, as we approach the end of the poem, we feel the dual meaning of the dawn, representing both the sunlight after sleeping on a park bench, and also the start of a new life - possible even the start of the afterlife. This is, indeed, a love for all time.
One of the strongest points of this poem is the balance it strikes. On the one hand, the style leans toward tight, terse writing, using few words, carefully selected and arranged. On the other hand, the poem feels rich in emotion, and contains enough qualifiers and conjunctions (with, your, on, and, the, for) to keep the reader comfortable. These words keep the poem in the realm of normal conversational tone, and help to indicate exactly what is being said without a lot of puzzle solving. Some beginning poets, hearing that they should eliminate all unnecessary words, take this advice to the extreme, slicing away the very heart of the communication. But Marion has achieved this proper balance by editing the poem many times, and by considering the reader's viewpoint.
Suggested areas for improvement:
The poem is so strong and carefully edited that Marion does not need much help here.
I suggest a comma in the opening line before the word Edward, to follow the proper rules of punctuation.
In this line:
I'll drift on black clouds,
the word drift seems somewhat out of character for this poem. It feels vague. The black clouds seem to imply the tough times, and the fact that she will go through even the hardest of experiences with Edward. However, a stronger word would probably fit better than drift.
Most powerful phrases:
I will be your eyes. This line reveals the truth about Edward's blindness, without going into a tearful explanation or history. It immediately pulls the reader into the plot.
We’ll sleep on wooden benches Here, the story unfolds, as we see that she will go wherever he goes and spend all her time with him. The reader is easily lost in the imagery.
my face will be the first
you see at dawn. A masterful statement, revealing her desire to be with him through eternity. Brief, clear, and bold, these words draw us to the bittersweet ending.
First Light comes from the pen of a talented and thoughtful poet. This work speaks with a clear mood, voice, and skill. It is publishable.
Patty Zion, Staff Editor