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TJMF Publishing - Open Mike Cafe Editor's Desk Staff Editor Patty Zion |
Forget Me Not (Swap Quatrain)
By jennysmom
missing you mom on mother's day
never forgotten this rose I laid
words unspoken feels like a bomb
on mother's day missing you mom
dad's so close and next to you
he wanted to share his love too
for I raise this glass and toast
next to you and dad's so close
letters in hands I have written so true
are left with traces of red white blue
velvet silk roses I placed on your stand
so true written I have letters in hands
on bended knees I come pray
wishing you a happy mother's day
wisking away all those nasty bees
I come pray on bended knees
Comments by jennysmom: Each stanza in the Swap Quatrain has four (4) lines. The first line in each stanza is reversed with the fourth line. Within each stanza lines one (1) must rhyme with line two (2); likewise, lines three (3) and four (4). The same rhyming pattern of words should not be the same in the following stanzas.The rhyming pattern may flow as: AABB, CCDD, and the like.
Forget Me Not tells an age-old story of grief, using flowers, a grave, and letters of remembrance. However, jennysmom has chosen to utilize an unusual form, the swap quatrain, for this piece of verse.
Strengths:
Contrary to common opinion, metered verse does not stifle the poet's voice or creativity. On the contrary, it helps a poet to develop a stronger voice and greater creativity, but it is very demanding to write well in metered, rhyming form. When we have to rhyme and think about meter, we stretch our writing muscles - always a valuable workout. Jennysmom had no small task in reversing the phrases in the first and fourth lines of each stanza. This requires skill and thought in order to build lines which make sense both ways.
Writing form poetry is an excellent exercise, which can help us learn more about using words carefully. While jennysmom has had some difficulty composing a poem combining the strict form with creative expression, the exercise holds much promise. I suggest working out some of the glitches.
The poet uses two instances of near rhyme (day/laid, toast/close). This actually works well, especially since she uses a near rhyme more than once in the poem. In modern poetry, it is perfectly acceptable, and even sometimes desired, to use near rhymes or slant rhymes. It allows a bit more freedom and helps us avoid cliché, predictable rhymes such as love/dove/above.
The overall mood or tone of the poem is bittersweet. We stand there, next to her mother's grave on Mother's Day, experiencing the overwhelming sense of loss and loneliness. Jennysmom has succeeded in communicating her grief.
Suggested areas for improvement:
In the final stanza, "I come and pray" would work better in both instances, to make the meter more smooth.
In my opinion, the weakest spot in this poem is this line:
wisking away all those nasty bees
It does work for the rhyme, but the tone of the line sounds too light, too cute, for the mood of this poem. The line could stand if it said something else about bees, but it should feel more serious and thoughtful, thereby advancing the established style, rather than drawing the reader out of the mood. (Please note the correct spelling: whisking.)
This line feels manipulated in order to make the rhyme:
words unspoken feels like a bomb
Possible alternatives, which would still be in rhyme or near-rhyme, include these ending words: balm, from, none, sun, gone. (Note the noun and verb should be in agreement: words feel.)
This particular line hangs in midair:
for I raise this glass and toast
The thought would work better if it were more closely integrated into the flow of the poem. Since there is no other mention of a glass of wine, the line feels somewhat jarring. We want the poem to wash over the reader without any disjointed ideas.
This poem also needs capitalization and punctuation. It will read better with correct commas and periods to help cue the reader as to the meaning and diction. While e.e. cummings and other free verse poets have used all lower case letters, no punctuation, and sprung grammar in their poetry (with great success), these practices do not blend so well with traditional metered verse. Instead, the reader often forms the opinion that the poet does not know how to correctly use capitalization, punctuation, and diction.
Most powerful phrases:
missing you mom on mother's day The alliteration of m sounds helps this line to stay in the reader's memory. This is the kind of thing we might think of over and over, especially if we have experienced a similar loss.
next to you and dad's so close The sudden realization that Dad is also nearby, in an adjacent grave, truly brings home the message, cementing the physical scene in the reader's mind.
Forget Me Not serves as a great educational tool, as jennysmom strives to pen a poem in a challenging form. While some technical aspects still need work, the poem does accomplish its goal of relating strong emotion to the reader. Thank you, jennysmom.
Patty Zion, Staff Editor