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TJMF Publishing - Open Mike Cafe Editor's Desk Staff Editor Patty Zion |
Ode to Grandchildren
By Valerie Babbitt
Sweet baby's breath
I love your smell.
Angel sent from heaven
Delivered into my care
Who would have known?
Hope of good things to come.
Your love is unconditional,
You remind me to laugh, and
forget about wrongs,
Teaching me how to forgive.
Your determination has taught me patience
Calming my spirit.
I adore your smile
Your open arms
Beckon me to embrace you
I draw pleasure from watching you play
Covered with innocence, kindness
and generosity
A reflection of me long forgotten
Grandchildren, a treasured
reminder of how simple life should be
I can't imagine my life
Without you!
Ode to Grandchildren pulls the reader into the lovely relationship between the narrator and her grandchildren, using the widespread emotional connection of this generational link.
Strengths:
By far the strongest aspect of this ode is its authentic voice. We have the sense of a real grandparent who cares for these children in every sense of the word. She has not only watched and studied the babies; she has learned and changed her innermost beliefs and approaches to life, because of what she has observed in her grandchildren. By living with these little persons, she has become a new person.
This type of personal tribute poem takes on even greater meaning within the real family circle. As a child grows, he or she can be strengthened by the love that is obviously conveyed in the poem. It will become an irreplaceable heirloom.
Suggestions for improvement:
Every poet is free to make a decision of whether or not to include punctuation in any poem. However, since Ode to Grandchildren has some punctuation, the entire poem should be punctuated correctly. Also, the most common method of capitalization in modern poetry is to capitalize only those words which begin a sentence:
Sweet baby's breath(comma)
I love your smell.
Angel sent from heaven (comma)
delivered into my care(dash)
who would have known?
Hope of good things to come.
Your love is unconditional, (semicolon instead of comma)
you remind me to laugh, (delete comma) and
forget about wrongs,
teaching me how to forgive.
Your determination has taught me patience (comma)
calming my spirit.
I adore your smile (period)
Your open arms
beckon me to embrace you (period)
I draw pleasure from watching you play (comma)
covered with innocence, kindness
and generosity (dash)
a reflection of me long forgotten (period)
Grandchildren, a treasured
reminder of how simple life should be(dash)
I can't imagine my life
without you!
While personal family-style poetry has greater flexibility than literary poetry, it is still advisable to avoid commonly used word combinations or cliche expressions. Therefore, these overused phrases might be more skillfully mastered by creative rethinking:
Angel sent from heaven
Hope of good things to come.
Calming my spirit.
The poem might also be filled out with more imagery, using some of the specific traits of these particular children. The poet could mention the child's unique appearance, vocal characteristics, or physical habits. For instance, instead of angel sent from heaven, a stronger image would be created by citing a halo reflected from tow-blond curls. And instead of calming my spirit, the poet might say, Your goo-goo baby talk calms me in its quietness.
Of course, the particular child might have black hair and might speak in a loud voice, so the poet will create her own appropriate images. If there are several children involved, it will be a larger task to use concrete images, but it can still be accomplished. These are merely suggestions for ways to plump up the emotion and imagery. Most readers cannot think in general terms, so any writing which uses general terms will fall short of the communication goal. We see things, not concepts. Poetry moves us by painting pictures of things we can recognize.
For me, the true poem ends with the line,
A reflection of me long forgotten.
The remaining lines in the final strophe merely restate what has already been said. By ending with this line, the poet could achieve a grander impact, as the reader would be left with something to think about.
Most powerful phrases:
Sweet baby's breath
Here, we have a sort of layered meaning. The child's breath is sweet, but the poet has also introduced the idea of a flower, with its own fragrance and beauty. Obviously, this is how the baby’s breath flower got its name!
A reflection of me long forgotten
This line takes the reader inside the narrator's mind and emotions. Most parents and grandparents can see themselves in some aspect of their offspring. The baby's eyes or nose or chin tends to look just like us, so it takes us back to our own childhood. The poet has connected with most readers in this description.
Ode to Grandchildren will stand as a loving tribute to the poet’s love for her grandchildren. However, in order to reach publishable status, this work will need some tightening and revision for more specificity and poetic accuracy. Thank you, Valerie Babbitt.
Patty Zion, Staff Editor