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TJMF Publishing - Open Mike Cafe Editor's Desk Staff Editor Patty Zion |
In Love
by melissa1981
Grasping a hold of the lifeline called love...
...My heart becomes a mime
Looked at by the park fountain
Like a caged bird begging to fly
However gripped by an invisible touch
Yet visible by the beholder
In such a way it reminds me of my mother
A love so hypnotic
My mind consciously
tries to block the gasping breaths
From reaching the end of the lifeline
because the only thing left to do
At the end is fall...
...In love
In Love takes the reader inside the heart of a woman who falls hopelessly in love. She compares her experience with trying to hold on to a lifeline, but failing to resist the slide.
Strengths:
Melissa has brought a strong sense of emotion to this piece. The reader feels her loss of control. The ending lines reveal the total hopelessness of trying to hang on; her fall is inevitable.
This poem uses a sustained metaphor, the lifeline, which is repeated and referred to at several points in the story development.
Melissa introduces the park fountain, thus bringing a second "character" into the action. The fountain watches her hanging there and forms an impression of her dilemma. This adds depth and fun to the action, and could be developed even more clearly.
Suggested areas for improvement:
Melissa's poetic experience, related through the lines of this poem, brings the perfect opportunity to introduce movement into the work. The lifeline metaphor could use further development to give life to the words. A lifeline dangles, it sways, it drips sweat. A lifeline is made of jute or silk or nylon. While we grasp a lifeline, we watch the world moving beneath us. We feel pain, we kick our feet, we grasp until our knuckles turn white. We might even bleed. By implementing these (or similar) images, the poet could create a piece which would virtually jump off the page with movement.
The poem would be better served by fully carrying out the lifeline image, rather than drifting into side thoughts. Essentially, this line,
In such a way it reminds me of my mother
is extraneous to the tale. While important to the poet and full of potential for use in another poem, it does not advance the plot or the imagery, and therefore could be deleted.
More side thoughts appear in the mime and the caged bird. These images, while creatively designed, actually muddy the waters. This is a perfect example of mixed metaphor. Is the narrator dangling from a lifeline, or is she stuck in a cage? These are two very different ideas. Likewise, is the narrator grasping a lifeline, or is she wearing white gloves and leaning on a mime’s invisible fireplace mantle? She cannot do both. A sustained metaphor such as the lifeline requires our full attention. The poet can help us to focus our attention by carefully crafting each aspect of the lifeline imagery.
The park fountain, in the other hand, provides an excellent chance to strengthen the mental video, with the narrator hanging from the line, and the waters of the fountain looming beneath. The poem could even end with a big splash of water as the narrator falls in love.
Speaking of a big splash, the poem needs a more visual title. The words in love are so familiar to our ears and eyes, they are practically invisible. A good title for this work might be something that suggests the dangerous situation or the imminent fall.
Most powerful phrases:
only thing left to do
At the end is fall...
...In love This ending captures the conflict and danger the narrator is living in. She knows this episode will finish with a fall. The reader is left with a clear image and memory. This phrasing could be even better without the ellipses. The line break does the job of slowing the reader down and emphasizing the image; ellipses are not needed.
In love takes the reader on a trip with a twist - a drop into the oblivion of romantic love. The story will sparkle with its sustained metaphor once the imagery is developed more completely. Thank you, melissa 1981.
Patty Zion, Staff Editor