Past the Word Count

By nwatte 

Nana is silly, my child.

 I sit on the front stoop
examining twilight
as yesterday fills me 
with pumpkin orange.

 Emotion flows in the wave
of grass, uncovered,
tickled by smiles,
where candles became
arrowheads in flame.

 A basement romp,
cowboys, indians, and
daddy sounding more 
like the ocean 
instead of a bear.

 He was reluctant to play,
said you didn't even know
what an arrowhead was,
but you did
because Nana showed you.

There was no
"Thomas the Train" story
before naptime -
I simply gathered pieces
of the past
and spoke of my granddad.

 I left out the anger,
storied a way of life
long before your birth
and covered the moon
with love.

 Nana sits on the stoop 
inhaling stars wide open,
and sees you -
as a constellation . . . 

Silly nana.

 

Past the Word Count relates, in rich free verse, the story of a grandmother's day with her grandchild.  The narrator travels freely through time as she sits on the front stoop today, remembering the adventures and savored moments of yesterday. 

Strengths: 

The poet makes excellent use of the senses in this work.  The reader feels the tickle of chin in grass, hears the father's ocean-like attempt at bear sounds, and sees the orange of autumn and the arrowheads resembling flames.

Nwatte writes from a genuine viewpoint.  We sense the true love and adoration of a nana for her grandchild.  The simple things are glorified in this work, and the language, while image-rich, maintains the same simplicity.  With childlike innocence, Nana switches easily between the first person (I sit on the front stoop) and the third person (Nana sits on the stoop).  We can hear her speaking to a small child, and, in a way, like a small child, revealing her vulnerable side.

Suggested areas for improvement:

I am aware that this poem was written for a contest, which explains the working title.  The selection of a more fitting title will definitely improve the communication level of the poem.

The indentations at the beginning of some stanzas are distracting.  They may be simple typographic errors, but in any case, the poem would be better without them.

A correction is needed here:

daddy sounding more 
like the ocean 
instead of a bear

The correct usage is more/than, not more/instead of.  Therefore, one way to correct this section would be:

daddy sounding more 
like the ocean 
than a bear.

These lines do not seem to follow from the preceding lines:

where candles became
arrowheads in flame.

It is difficult to connect the candles and arrowheads to the grass.  While the connection may be obvious to the author, it lacks something in translating to the reader.  I suggest another phrase or two to help clarify this section.

The word Indians should always be capitalized.

The word daddy is sometimes capitalized, depending on its usage in the sentence.  In this instance, the narrator uses it as a proper name, so it should be capitalized.  If she had said your daddy, it would not be capitalized, because it would no longer be a proper noun, but rather a description of the person.  One tip-off is the presence of a word such as my, your, our, or the.  When any of these words precedes mother, father, mommy, daddy, etc., the noun is not capitalized.
 

Most powerful phrases:

the wave of grass, uncovered, tickled by smiles. Here, the poet includes movement in the waving of the grass and the tickling, which seems to indicate a youthful face, low, so near to the grass that the smile actually touches it -  an alluring image.

inhaling stars wide open, and sees you - as a constellation.  The image of inhaling stars transmits a feeling of awe, which is immediately hooked to the grandchild, giving us a strong indication of the love between generations.

Past the Word Count carries us through a two-day span filled with playtime and stargazing time.  Through intense imagery and narration, the poet succeeds in expressing the deep love she has for her grandchild.  The poem will speak even more clearly with a few corrections and clarifications.  Thank you, nwatte.

Patty Zion, Staff Editor