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TJMF Publishing - Open Mike Cafe Editor's Desk Staff Editor Patty Zion |
Ode to Ears
By Leadaches
My ears
are imperfect arches,
curlicues, that in stereo
grace my head
with flesh protrusions.
resembling question marks.
Acoustic shells that let you
hear emotions roar,
or the capture of
many minute sounds,
flowing over waxy channels
till they wane.
Not pierced on either side
with golden studs, or rings
my flanges simply squat
in abstract squiggles,
that God finger-painted
on me in the womb.
Ears it appears,
like bellybuttons
are one of God'shumorous afterthoughts.
Mine are eager to hear
soft whispered words of love
and share the nibbles
of a lover's kiss.
flesh maze's
for a tongue that seeks
to leave wet trails,
love handles in the darkness
to help guide us as we kiss.
Far to often they've been bent
to a cacophony of pain,
the mutterings of a hateful world
and the grieving of a people at war.
Which is why
I pen this homage:
owed to ears,
two features I confess
I've overlooked,
these humble, often awkward
attri-beauts.
Ode to Ears, a modern tribute poem in free verse style, expresses appreciation for the poet's ears and their capacity to bring human experience into fullness. I chose this poem for critique because of the unique subject matter, which carries its own creativity and freshness.
Strengths:
True to his personal style, Leadaches has produced a writing overflowing with word play and unusual viewpoints. He presents the ears as fascinating body parts, often ignored, but always at work. There is a sense of joy pervading this work. We catch several glimpses of the poet's true nature and value system, which are presented without preaching. Instead, Leadaches shows how he thinks as he describes his affection and appreciation. He makes us smile, laugh, and ponder - a triple dose of poetic style.
Suggestions for improvement:
In one aspect, Ode to Ears has a strength which has also become its weakness. Word play, while enticing and appealing, is interspersed in the lines and sometimes goes over the top. When the lighthearted wording becomes too pun-like, it loses some charm and actually distracts the reader from the imagery and message.
Therefore, I suggest deleting the coined word attri-beauts. A slightly more sincere ending would finish the poem with appropriate style.
I have spotted a few issues with punctuation, usage, and unnecessary words. I offer the following edits - simply suggestions to tighten and correct a few places:
My ears comma
are
imperfect arches,
curlicues, that in stereo
grace my head
with flesh protrusions dash
stereo curlicues
resembling question marks.
Acoustic shells that
let you
hear emotions roar,
or the capture
of
many
minute sounds, delete
comma
flowing over waxy channels
till they wane.
(Again, a little too much obvious word play.)
Not pierced on either side
with golden studs, delete comma or rings comma
my flanges simply squat
in abstract squiggles,
that
which God finger-painted
on me
in the womb.
Ears comma it appears,
like bellybuttons comma
are one of God's
humorous afterthoughts. Comma instead of period
(Keep the stanza break here.)
Mine are
eager to hear
soft
whispered words of love
and share the a lover’s nibbles
of a lover's kiss.
flesh maze's no apostrophe
for a tongue that seeks
to leave wet trails,
I suggest deleting the previous three lines,
since they are implied by earlier words.
love handles in the darkness
to help guide us as we kiss.
Far to too often comma
they've been bent
to a cacophony of pain,
the mutterings of a hateful world
and the grieving of a people at war.
Which is why
I pen this homage: delete colon
owed
to ears,
two features I confess
I've overlooked,
these humble, often
awkward
attri-beauts.
attributes.
Most effective phrases:
hear emotions roar,
Emotions really do roar, and this phrase reminds us of the pumping of blood that intensifies when we have strong feelings.
that God finger-painted
A charming and appealing image, which shows the individuality of each human facial feature. This line reveals a true joy in life and appreciation for the physical body.
Far too often they've been bent
to a cacophony of pain,
the mutterings of a hateful world
and the grieving of a people at war.
I found this section sadly true, inspiring a wealth of thoughts. The poet chose to place these more serious, convicting words after the lighthearted sections, allowing him to get the reader on his side before he delivered the grave news. Indeed, our ears have to tolerate a lot of profoundly dark sounds. The talented poet will pepper his or her light fare with heavier ideas, and Leadaches reveals his skill in this presentation.
Ode to Ears imparts a variety of ideas related to ears, humanity, and God’s intentions. The poem shows talent and skill, but needs some editing and polishing to achieve a publishable finished product. Thank you, Leadaches.
Patty Zion, Staff Editor