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TJMF Publishing - Open Mike Cafe Editor's Desk Staff Editor Patty Zion |
Painful Observations by Laura
My heart spills tears/
for things I cannot change-/
I am an observer/
with watchful eyes/
on two people/
in the throes/
of their own pain./
///
Love does not surface/
in the depths of these waters./
///
I want to suture/
their deep-seated wounds,/
massage their aching hearts;/
yet, am able only to watch/
as they seek their own remedy./
///
I am a mother. /
Painful Observations shares a mother's suffering as she watches her child or children going through difficulties. The scene is laid out from an observer's viewpoint, until the narrator’s identity - the mother - is revealed in the final line.
Strengths:
This work speaks from a position of love and personal truth. We feel the genuine emotion of a parent who sees the problems of her child, but cannot solve them. There is a simplicity in the words, which makes the meaning accessible to all readers. The audience for this poem - mothers - will find it quite poignant.
There is also a deeper, somewhat veiled truth within the words. We know that the mother must watch and wait, even if she could solve their dilemma. She has an inner desire to allow them the freedom of growth. She has a kind of love that knows when to keep its distance. Although this idea is not specifically stated, we know it is hidden within the poem when we read this line:
as they seek their own remedy.
This gives the work a maturity of thought.
Suggestions for improvement:
While the main body of the poem has notable clarity, these two lines seem vague and even slightly confusing:
Love does not surface
in the depths of these waters.
One cannot help but wonder whose love is being addressed here. Is she saying that her own love cannot find daylight, cannot survive? This seems contradictory to the ideas that are essential to this work.
More likely, the narrator is saying that the love between these two younger people - possibly a married couple - is floundering because of their difficulties. If this is the intended meaning, it would be better to spell it out more clearly. Here is one way it could work:
The love between them does not surface
in the depths of these waters.
While this poem provides a scenario many mothers can relate to, it is also a bit weak on specific images. We could understand the situation better, we could grab onto the scene more strongly, if the poet would provide a few objects to tell the story. Maybe we could see the faces of the young people or look into the specific ways the pain is displayed. Their hands hanging loose at their sides, her tissues, or his furrowed forehead - any of these concrete images would add deeper dimension to the work.
The punctuation in this stanza needs to be adjusted:
I want to suture
their deep-seated wounds,
massage their aching hearts;
yet, am able only to watch
as they seek their own remedy.
Since the phrase following the semicolon has no subject, it would not stand as an independent clause. Therefore, the semicolon following hearts should be a comma.
An alternative would be to keep the semicolon and add the subject I to the last clause:
yet, I am able only to watch
as they seek their own remedy.
Most moving phrases:
I want to suture
their deep-seated wounds,
The image of sutures tells a clear tale of intense hurt. Somehow, this brings out a mental image of blood without ever mentioning it. We also picture a physician, a healer, which of course is one role a mother often plays.
I am a mother.
This ending states the true message of the poem in a concise way. It has the teeth of a killer slogan such as “Where’s the beef?” It is a keepsake phrase, which makes the work a treasure for any parent who has had a similar experience. This line truly speaks to every mother and ends a rather sad poem on an inspirational note.
Painful Observations remains true to its audience. Any mother can read this work and find truth in its statements. The unpretentious style is appropriate to the subject matter. With a few adjustments, this poem would work well in a published volume of poems or a parenting magazine. Thank you, Laura.
Patty Zion, Staff Editor