OB.com

What struggles
they endure,
an endless litany
of the same,
day in and day out
wanting to
move beyond
but always
beyond moving,
what courage it must take
to fit in,
when so much
time is consumed
in rituals that
would make them outcast,
Thirty minutes
in the bathroom,
touching mirrors,
mirroring touches,
the clock does not
exist any longer,
rituals are now
the hands on the face of time,
hours spent arranging
rearranging each day,
to fit the controls
that control the fits,
eyes of angst

anxieties,
o v e r w h e l m,
fidget, tap tap,
fidget, tap tap tap,
perhaps a set of
tap shoes and a dream,
but they can't be worn
nor new,
they have to be just right
or on the right or right on,
and just right is
never just right,
hours spent worrying
about hours spent
sleeping in a Zoloft
high above all others
after seventy minutes
of getting ready for bed.
medicated adjustments
tweaked bi-weekly
doctors whisper in
a call about Risperdal.
it can cause a nervous
tic in one's face,
permanently a flaw
that can't be erased,
but it has done wonders
in O.C.D. cases,
so many choices
so many habits
a ninety year old
nun's closet of choices,
each one worn out religiously,
on the crosses
O.C.D. kids bear
the therapist is excactly that
pissed at the
lackluster results,
at $200.00 an hour
the parents are
even more pissed off,
resulting in tension
that bleeds into emotions,
that upsets the child,
into much more anxiety,
a sad vicious circle
they all walk around,
days on end, end in dazes,
and the cure is the carrot
but the kid is a meat eater,
grown ravenous on pills
3.3 million strong,
in the U.S. alone,
obsessed and compelled,
for reasons still unknown.

~~~~~~~~~Leadaches

OB.com presents the dilemma of children who suffer from obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). Leadaches outlines the challenges faced by the children and their parents, using juxtaposition of words and explanation of the disorder.

Strengths: The emotion speaks in this work, as leadaches shows the frustrations of repetitive movements, obsessive thoughts, and pharmaceutical side effects. We sense a genuine concern and extensive personal experience.

The poem also has some fascinating wordplay, which draws the reader into the story. Leadaches is a master of phrasing - juxtaposition of words and ideas.

Suggested areas for improvement:

This poem suffers from a common error - too much editorial comment. The central section breathes with such intensity of image and movement, it is almost a video. However, the opening and closing steal this power, making us feel as though we are reading a magazine article or press release rather than a piece of prosody.

This is one of the most widespread and deadly mistakes for poets - a slow start and a wordy finish. Often, the best favor we can do for our poem is to cut off the beginning and the end.

What struggles/ they endure, / an endless litany
of the same, / day in and day out/ wanting to
move beyond / but always / beyond moving,
what courage it must take / to fit in,/ when so much
time is consumed/ in rituals that / would make them outcast,

Likewise, the final section (more than one hundred words) borders on a lecture, and is not needed:

it can cause a nervous/ tic in one's face,/ permanently a flaw
that can't be erased,/ but it has done wonders / in O.C.D. cases,
so many choices / so many habits/ a ninety year old
nun's closet of choices,/ each one worn out religiously,
on the crosses / O.C.D. kids bear/ the therapist is excactly that
pissed at the / lackluster results,/ at $200.00 an hour
the parents are / even more pissed off,/ resulting in tension
that bleeds into emotions,/ that upsets the child,
into much more anxiety,/ a sad vicious circle
they all walk around/ / days on end, end in dazes,

and the cure is the carrot/ but the kid is a meat eater,
grown ravenous on pills/ 3.3 million strong, / in the U.S. alone,
obsessed and compelled,/ for reasons still unknown.

While this trimming might seem to resemble a crew cut, we are now left with the core of the poem and the core of the story. These words now stand alone, shining in their wisdom, poignancy, and accuracy:

Thirty minutes
in the bathroom,
touching mirrors,
mirroring touches,
the clock does not
exist any longer,
rituals are now
the hands on the face of time,
hours spent arranging
rearranging each day,
to fit the controls
that control the fits,
eyes of angst

anxieties,
o v e r w h e l m,
fidget, tap tap,
fidget, tap tap tap,
perhaps a set of
tap shoes and a dream,
but they can't be worn
nor new,
they have to be just right
or on the right or right on,
and just right is
never just right,
hours spent worrying
about hours spent
sleeping in a Zoloft
high above all others
after seventy minutes
of getting ready for bed.
medicated adjustments
tweaked bi-weekly
doctors whisper in
a call about Risperdal.

What is left? Quite clearly, a poem remains, in which Leadaches reveals the workings of his mind as he literally creates a plethora of movement. This reveals a masterful talent for phrasing, for making the reader's mind work overtime.

We feel as though a movie is playing in front of us. The words take on a living presence now that they are free to move without the restriction of long explanations.

I suggest leaving the poem almost exactly as it appears, without the lengthy opening or the didactic closing. This allows the reader to figure it out - it gives the reader credit for having the intellect to know what is happening.

The poem needs some work in the area of punctuation. As it stands, many of the lines are not punctuated correctly, which is distracting. An alternative approach would be to completely eliminate punctuation. In this particular poem, that might work, since we are drawn quickly from one movement to the next. If punctuation is used in a poem, it must be done correctly; if not used, the entire poem should be free of all punctuation. This way, the reader understands the intent of the poet, so the poem doesn't look like a mass of errors.

Left alignment would also improve the presentation of this work. While the practice of centering poems held favor in the seventies, it is now considered one mark of an amateur work. This poem deserves to be read and considered seriously; left-aligning the words would improve its chances of success in the publishing industry.

Most powerful phrases:

touching mirrors,
mirroring touches,

hours spent arranging
rearranging each day,
to fit the controls
that control the fits,
eyes of angst

anxieties,

These phrases all caught my attention and made me think. Leadaches has an immense talent for creating poetry that sounds fascinating - no small accomplishment. Developing word play which makes sense and does not seem childish is a rare skill.

OB.com carries a wealth of thought, empathy, and potential. This poem, with its unique subject and high style, can endure in the minds of many readers. I recommend intense trimming and a more professional presentation, with correct punctuation and left alignment on the page. This has great publishing possibilities.

Thank you, leadaches.

Patty Zion, Staff Editor

dazzleu@windstream.net