Revolution
By cjc
Her everyday is wrought in naked care,
yet see a nimbus round the snow of hair.
Her dress of finest silk reminds of days,
we wore about Shanghai before the ways
of old were led in cultural revolt -
each new decree came - like a thunderbolt,
that fell with venom on our foreign kind,
our pupils mad, their teachers’ eyes now blind.
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Renounced and purged, our learned friends reworked
in farms and factories in case they shirked;
but first they helped in our escape across
the blues of sea; and kindness brought a loss
to human plea. Regret now fills an hour
that haunts the golden shine about the bower.
Her lips are soft, for lost the friends who gave
to us, our life, our hope, our love to save.
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And mute those lasting views of friendly waves,
before the daily sweep to morning’s graves.
If only we could reach once more and touch,
the hands of courage, they are owed so much.
Perhaps then she would find some inner peace,
for life is short and death a longer lease.
Their final words an echo of a bird,
that goodness lives where-ever love is heard.
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Let children know the truth when times do sneer,
and shine the sun on those who see the fear:
Not for the self, but for the true alone,
for each a halo burns - to light them home.
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Revolution deals with the cultural upheaval which characterized the Chinese revolution in 1968 - 1969. In this metrical work from the series The Love Poems of Percy Bush, cjc explores the sorrow and suffering brought to simple, kind human beings by this revolution.
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Strengths:
The word choices completely support the poem’s mood and theme. Readers can feel the sorrow of the characters in words such as wrought, naked, snow, thunderbolt, haunts, and graves. And yet, hope remains, expressed by words such as friendly waves, echo of a bird, and a halo burns. The inescapable duality of life’s trials is recognized, not denied. Thus, Revolution has maturity in its approach.
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The rhythm scheme, iambic pentameter, carries the message smoothly, with a strong feeling of slow, steady movement. We follow the poet’s innate sense of rhythm. Likewise, the rhyme pattern, aabbccdd, rolls along with few distractions. Rhyming every line presents its own challenges, and cjc has implemented the pattern with skill.
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But the most solid attribute of this work is its transcendent recognition of humanity’s interconnection. Through the story told here, we take part in the bond of love that all people share. We experience the saving of lives and the life of gratitude.
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Suggestions for improvement:
A few minor switches and adjustments will complete this poem and eliminate some small stumbles which distract the reader from the message.
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The poem contains one obviously forced rhyme:
Let children know the truth when times do sneer,
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When an extra verb such as do is inserted into a line in order to create the rhyme, it feels forced dated. While the classic poets could create rhymes in this way, modern writers should avoid it. Here are two suggestions for rewriting this line:
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Let children know the truth when ages sneer,
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Let children know the truth despite time’s sneer,
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The phrase to human plea creates a bump in the flow of ideas, as it seems vague or slightly confusing. I find myself wondering how kindness could bring a loss to human plea. This section could use a slight rewording for clarity.
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The word wherever should be one word, not hyphenated.
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The poem would appear more up-to-date with a left formatted style. Unfortunately, the centered style has gone out of fashion in today’s poetic publications.
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Most moving phrases:
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yet see a nimbus round the snow of hair.
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The dual meaning of the word nimbus – a cloud or a halo – enhances the duality of tone in the poem. Yes, there is unspeakable sadness, but there is also the angelic touch of people who care and people who remember. This line animates the first stanza’s imagery and character development.
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each new decree came - like a thunderbolt,that fell with venom on our foreign kind,
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Here, cjc uses a mixed metaphor which actually works. The decrees hit like thunderbolts, but struck the foreigners with the added poison of a venom. We feel ugliness and hatred, powered by electric intensity.
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Their final words an echo of a bird,
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In this lead-in to the final stanza, the poet softens the imagery and prepares us for a sad but enlightened finish. The touch of the natural world – the birds’ voices – carry hope even in their weakness.
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Revolution follows in the poetic tradition of political and social statement. This poem speaks to all people who care about the world and the future. By looking back in time, cjc has provided an opportunity to learn about humanity and hope. She has penned an excellent work, very worthy of publication.
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Patty Zion, Staff Editor