 |
TJMF Publishing - Open Mike Cafe Editor's Desk Staff Editor Patty Zion |
Rivers
By Marion A. Poirier
I returned home bone weary,
grateful to find the drowned house
standing on the hillside.
Cascading falls spilled in the storm's
placid aftermath; the sunreflected dazzling, silver strings.
A pearl-gray tide pushed broken branches
in its flowing arms down the slope,
as though wielding an invisible broom.
Days after the flood, the rhythm of rivers
hummed like a windmill in the distance.
The first night I revisited places
I may never see again,
emerged in the song of water.
Stars like fireflies flashed over coral reefs
where lovers swam in moonlight.
I breathe the scent of pine trees
through the open window,
until morning, wrapped in itslingering fragrance.
Rivers is a narrative poem painting imagery of a flood and the river's power to create change in the narrator's life. The poet uses intense images and a sense of time passing to carry the reader along on the river’s current.
Strengths:
Marion keeps the story bright by focusing on the concrete objects and experiences of the narrator. Emotions are not described; they are related through the specific things we see in the poem. This lends a quality of strength to the words, even as we sense the sadness and tiredness of the narrator.
The poet calls on the senses to make the story happen. We see the hillside, the falls, the strings of water reflected by the sun, and the fireflies. We hear the windmill-like hum of the river. We smell the pine fragrance. Immersed in these sensory details, we walk through the experience with Marion.
The poem is carefully constructed, with excellent economy of words. It would be easy to write on and on about such a sad and moving subject; instead, the poet chooses to convey the mood and theme in a brief description.
Suggestions for improvement:
There seems to be a usage problem in this line:
emerged in the song of water.
To emerge is to arise or to appear. Although the verb can be either transitive (requiring a direct object) or intransitive (without a direct object), the most common usage is emerge from. This application of the word does not seem to work in this line. Maybe the places described were submerged in the song of water. Or maybe another word would work for better clarity.
This poem has great potential. The only overall problem I see is the contradiction of moods throughout the piece.
On the one hand, we read words connoting the force and destruction of a flood:
bone weary, drowned house, wielding an invisible broom. Flood waters do terrible damage to the landscape and buildings they push over.
On the other hand, we find even more words indicating a calm peace of mind: placid, dazzling, silver strings, stars like fireflies, lovers swam in moonlight, wrapped in its
lingering fragrance.
The contrast sets up the reader for a conflict in mood. Has the flood created destruction and weariness, or nostalgia and pleasure? We cannot be sure. Since the physical landscape serves to convey this poem's emotion, it is vital that the mood be clear to the reader.
Perhaps the intent is to convey both sides of the flood - the sorrow and the nostalgia. To do this, the poem probably needs a transition rather than a mingling of images. The reader needs to be involved in the progression of the narrator's state of mind. To work this out , we might come upon the house and see the damage done, but then find a specific object or vision to take the narrator's emotions in a more positive direction. Or the narrator might simply move from one physical viewpoint to another, with the voice taking on a subtle change as the view changes. This would help the reader to more clearly understand the mix of emotions being presented.
Most Powerful Phrases:
the sun
reflected dazzling, silver strings.
This phrase has a euphonic sound, conveying the beauty with s, l, and z sounds. The silver strings show a unique, poetic viewpoint of the falls.
as though wielding an invisible broom
This simile creates a moving image of the river and its strength, giving a powerful feeling of action to the scene.
the rhythm of rivers
hummed like a windmill
Again, the poet demonstrates a command of sound as she uses subtle alliteration and onomatopoeia. We can hear the river in the words.
Rivers describes the period following a flood with a painterly brush and a keen sense of poetry's sound. A tightening of the emotional connotations will prepare this work for publication.
Patty Zion, Staff Editor