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TJMF Publishing - Open Mike Cafe Editor's Desk Staff Editor Patty Zion |
Porcelein
By shanna
He keeps breaking me,
I keep taking it, because I am stuck,
paralyzed by the unknown.
The four of them are almost grown,
so with fingernails and purple skin
I hang on.
Riding the waves that cover my face,
drowning in the pain, cut from the razor
blades of unfaithfulness.
Every day is a new wound,
that bleeds out every drop.
Numb is my only friend,
I pray every day for it to come.
I want to go blind and deaf
so I don't have to see his excitement;
I don't have to hear his heavy breathing,
so his sick pleasure doesn't pierce me again.
I stopped eating and keep looking in the mirror,
desperately trying to shrink,
doing 100 breast squeezes,
looking for cleavage, hoping I could turn
him on like that,
wishing I could make his heart race like that.
I'll never look like that.
He dines on fine China.
I'll always be chipped porcelein.
Porcelain (note correct spelling) compares the life of a neglected wife to a piece of broken porcelain. The narrator feels broken, downhearted, and ugly, because of the husband's fascination with pornography and other women.
Strengths:
The poem skillfully communicates the dark feelings of a woman in this situation. We sense her desperation, her isolation, and the futility of her efforts to become acceptable to her husband. By giving details about the woman's methods of trying to change herself, Shanna brings the reader into the scene. The porcelain metaphor is a strong one, providing excellent opportunity to express the essence of a broken relationship and a painfully sharp experience.
Suggestions for improvement:
The main stumbling block in this work is the mixture of metaphors. The narrator is broken, which fits the prevailing metaphor of china. But then, she becomes stuck, paralyzed, and later, she rides the waves and drowns. The images would be much more effective if they were consistent. For instance, instead of:
Riding the waves that cover my face,
drowning in the pain, cut from the razor
blades of unfaithfulness.
Shanna might try this way of incorporating the broken imagery:
Feeling the emotions that scratch my face,
edgy from the sharpness, cut by razor
blades of unfaithfulness.
And here, the word pierce connotes a needle or a scream.
so his sick pleasure doesn't pierce me again.
To stay in the china metaphor, it would work better to say:
So his sick pleasure doesn't shatter me again.
As poets, we want to maintain consistency of metaphor. This will keep the reader in the story without confusion or distraction. Sustained metaphor immerses the reader in the work; mixed metaphor submerges the reader in conflicting images..
In the fourth strophe, the repetition of the phrase like that becomes overdone.
looking for cleavage, hoping I could turn
him on like that,
wishing I could make his heart race like that.
I'll never look like that.
Instead, the phrases might be edited to say more:
looking for cleavage to turn him on,
wishing I could become the one
to make his heart race.
I'll never look like that.
The poem would thrive with correction of the punctuation. Here is one way it would work:
He keeps breaking me; (semicolon)
I keep taking it (no comma) because I am stuck,
paralyzed by the unknown.
The four of them are almost grown,
so with fingernails and purple skin
I hang on, (comma)
riding the waves that cover my face,
drowning in the pain, cut from the razor
blades of unfaithfulness.
Every day is a new wound (no comma)
that bleeds out every drop.
Numb is my only friend; (semicolon)
I pray every day for it to come.
I want to go blind and deaf
so I don't have to see his excitement (no semicolon)
or hear his heavy breathing,
so his sick pleasure doesn't pierce me again.
I stopped eating and keep looking in the mirror,
desperately trying to shrink,
doing 100 (spell out "a hundred") breast squeezes,
looking for cleavage, hoping I could turn
him on like that,
wishing I could make his heart race like that.
I'll never look like that.
He dines on fine China.
I'll always be chipped porcelein (porcelain).
Most powerful phrases:
He keeps breaking me,
An excellent opening line with a strong verb and a good sense of characterization. Instantly, we know a lot about these characters, and we begin seeing the metaphor.
looking for cleavage
This says it all in a few words. She is seeking a better bustline. She does this with hope and determination.
He dines on fine China.
I'll always be chipped porcelain.
What a dynamic ending! The metaphor comes full circle as she realizes she will never be right or good enough for his love. We feel her hopelessness.
Porcelain delivers an important and poignant message about today's wife in our culture. Emotions run high, almost cracking at each line. Shanna has started a poem of importance. With some editing and shaping, this work will be worthy of a wide readership. Thank you, Shanna.
Patty Zion, Staff Editor