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TJMF Publishing - Open Mike Cafe Editor's Desk Staff Editor Patty Zion |
Smothered Heart
By milveggie
Deep within a gray stone
crevice, you sleep barely visible
to your visitors; the air bristles
with the cantankerous scent of cat.
I know the taut sinew
of your shoulder and flank;
the rigid-glossy spring
of your fur. Several
of your cousins shared
their lives with me
and I knew your essence
in them.
Here, your wild heart
is smothered and your spirit
craves the desert night. Now,
your cushioned feet are denied
the silence of shifting sand
reaching endlessly toward
the stars.
In slumber, your ears remain
alert and I imagine reaching
out to scratch and stroke
the curve of your scalp;
then realize--
my fantasy is the tool
of your suffocation.
Smothered Heart paints a picture of a beautiful animal confined to a cage in a zoo. The poet studies the big cat and mourns the animal's loss of freedom, picturing the natural life the cat would have in the desert as it contrasts starkly with this caged existence. She compares the animal to her house pets and imagines petting its head, only to realize this curiosity is precisely what keeps it behind bars.
Strengths:
Smothered Heart not only utilizes muscular language and imagery to depict the story of the cat, but also uses form to convey the wrenching message.
The poem begins with strangely divided phrasing, which reinforces the idea of the animal's hiding and peering out: within a gray stone / crevice, barely visible / to your visitors - these unusual line breaks lend a sensory clue to the animal's hideout and its wary ways.
Then, in the second strophe, the author visits the physical characteristics of the cat, admiring its fur, its gloss, and its muscle. By recalling her own cats as cousins of this cat, she becomes somehow closer, more intuitively connected to the wild cat.
In the third strophe, the poet uses passive verbs, which serve to accentuate the powerless position of the animal. Your wild heart is smothered. Your cushioned feet are denied. This passive voice places an unknown force in control. The cat, in these phrases, has no capacity to change its circumstances. Things are done to it.
The final strophe shows the awakening of the poet's wisdom and disappointment in her own (and society's) idle curiosity, which only serves to keep a living being confined in this way.
Suggestions for improvement:
Smothered Heart relates the story and the awakening so well, it needs little editing. This poem has already been carefully constructed and reworked.
There is an abundance of pronouns, especially the word your, and especially in the second strophe, where it appears four times. A careful rewrite might eliminate one or two of these pronouns. The poem obviously survives on the unspoken relationship between human and animal, so some use of pronouns is completely appropriate, but the repetition becomes somewhat overdone.
The semicolon following scalp is not really correct, since the phrase that follows is not an independent clause. I suggest a comma instead.
Most powerful phrases:
with the cantankerous scent of cat.
Cantankerous is a perfect example of an adjective which actually works. The hard edges of these words fit the cat and verbally demonstrate its strength. The poet uses subtle alliteration of K, T and S sounds.
I know the taut sinew
of your shoulder and flank;
The reader is carried along on the smooth meter, which basically has a tri-syllabic sound. I know the taut sin- ew of your should- er and flank. A lovely, haunting sound.
the silence of shifting sand
Again, milveggie uses gentle alliteration, this time with S and SH sounds. The reader is barely aware of this device with its excellent subtlety.
my fantasy is the tool
of your suffocation.
A masterful ending, which only reinforces the sadness of the situation and the fallibility of humanity. The poet has convicted herself and all people, while recognizing the apparent innocence of our intentions.
Smothered Heart shows uncommon talent and finesse in poetic voice, style, and form. This poem will find success in any publication. Thank you, milveggie.
Patty Zion, Staff Editor