 |
TJMF Publishing - Open Mike Cafe Editor's Desk Staff Editor Patty Zion |
Snow By Linda
.
I stood in the midst of it, one night,
in the quiet hush, after the last flake fell.
.
Etheral, silent, but for a subtle hiss of
crystal dust, that blew, glinting an indigo sky.
.
Brush and branch turned to glass;
the Weeping Willow encased, frozen still,
gossamer in glistening ice.
.
And the grounds untainted in flawless white,
drifts piled high like brides, veils blowing in the night.
.
In that violet moment;
.
The edges were blurred, and softened, I was
no longer burdened with matters of importance;calanders faded from existence,
there were no years attached to me.
.
Cut loose and free - yet I stood captured,
.
by the power of enchantment.
.
Snow articulates the beauty and wonder of a snowy scene. The poem is a straightforward presentation in free verse, painting the picture and allowing the reader to experience the narrator's emotional reaction to the natural winter world.
.
Strengths:
.
Linda's words exude warmth from within, contrasting the cold of the snow. We are immersed in her joy and escape from all cares. She takes the reader along on the journey of the emotions, and keeps the focus simple. This poem is all about the snow.
.
I enjoyed the variety of snowy images - the crispness of icy branches, the blowing drifts, the hush and the hiss. Linda has appealed to the senses throughout this work.
.
The entire world goes away, as we live only in the snowy moment.
.
Suggestions for improvement:
.
The main problems with this work fall into two categories: overstatement and a lack of direct verbs.
.
The overstatement takes place mainly in the ending. The final line, by the power of enchantment, only says what has already been said, and therefore weakens the poem. In fact, the next-to-last line says much more. I suggest ending the work there, with a slight rearrangement of words:
.
Cut loose and free - yet I stood captured,
I stayed, cut loose, yet captured..
(Since the word stood is used in the opening, it's best to use another word here.)
.
The lack of active verbs is a much more subtle weakness, but it becomes more obvious when we look at the incomplete sentences.
.
For instance, this statement has no real verb:
.
Etheral, silent, but for a subtle hiss of
crystal dust, that blew, glinting an indigo sky.
.
To complete the sentence, we might add a true subject and verb by borrowing from the first strophe and rearranging the words, like this:
.
I stood in the midst of the hush one night,
after the last flake fell..
.
The night loomed ethereal, silent,
except for the hiss of crystal dust,
blowing and glinting an indigo sky.
.
This provides a subject (night) and an active verb (loomed). It also tightens the structure of the opening. Note the spelling of ethereal.
.
In a similar way, this statement is incomplete, without a verb:
.
the Weeping Willow encased, frozen still,
gossamer in glistening ice.
.
One way to rewrite with a verb would be:
.
the weeping willow glistened, encased in gossamer ice.
.
Note that the word frozen is not needed; it is implied by the word ice. Also, weeping willow is lower cased.
.
Here is another statement without a verb:
.
And the grounds untainted in flawless white,
drifts piled high like brides, veils blowing in the night.
.
A possible edit would be:
.
Untainted in flawless white,
the drifts blew like bridal veils against the night.
.
In poetry, sentence fragments can be used when they fit the story line and style. However, it is easy to slip into using incomplete sentences without realizing it. Every statement should be examined for completeness and structure, so that any sentence fragments become conscious choices. Too many fragments in a short poem can detract from the smoothness of the reader's experience.
.
Most moving phrases:
.
Brush and branch turned to glass;
.
Beautiful, subtle alliteration of the b sounds, combined with the glassy image, make this simple statement a powerhouse.
.
In that violet moment;.
Linda has wisely set this line apart with stanza breaks. It gives the reader a pause to reflect. The idea of the entire moment being violet strikes me as sweet and memorable.
.
there were no years attached to me.
.
Sometimes a passive verb such as were can work well. Here, it gives us a feeling of rest. Nothing is happening. We are relaxed. The idea of no attachments, no years, also implies that seconds, minutes, and hours slide away.
.
Snow recreates the abandonment of worries and stress that we can find in a late-night snow. The poet can prepare it for publication by restructuring some statements and tightening the word choices. Thank you, Linda.
.
Patty Zion, Staff Editor