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TJMF Publishing - Open Mike Cafe Editor's Desk Staff Editor Patty Zion |
A soldier’s Life By saki
I too went to the old war;
One of the numerous soldiers - no more-
That were sent to the foreign land to fight -
Now don't ask me whether it was wrong or right.
That I left to the politicians, who debated
Its legitimacy - unabated,
And to the others who seemed to know,
Like the protesters who disrupted traffic flow.
I fought for all I was worth;
And I obeyed all the orders that thundered forth,
Till some small man as agile as an ape
Shot that fateful bullet I couldn't escape.
My colleagues looked down at me and said 'hard luck',
And swung my body up the truck;
The Accounts people put my records away -
Meaning I wasn't to receive next month's pay.
Word went to my old man and mom,
Who raged and raged and then went mum.
Word went to my Love - my bride-to-be,
And she wept so much she was such a sorry sight to see.
But by and by I received a hero's welcome,
When the plane brought me back to my country home -
Mr President came too with a speech at hand
And he talked of Democracy, Freedom and Fatherland.
So, they lowered me down into my grave,
And someone remarked a little sadly and said 'he was brave;
Was one of our best men, had a career ahead of him'.
Then they drew over the stone and the world went dim.
A Soldier's Life uses the voice of a deceased soldier to speak of war and its aftermath. In this metered poem, saki chooses a narrative style and dark mood, carrying the reader through the experience right up to the soldier’s burial.
Strengths:
The greatest strength of this poem lies in its authentic voice. What more poignant method of delivering this message than from the lips of the soldier who has given his life for the cause?
And we clearly know where saki stands on the subject of war. She makes it clear in the opening lines, and carries that opinion through to the ending with no apologies or hedging. This makes for a strong statement and a memorable piece of writing.
Suggestions for improvement:
As a fan of metered, rhyming verse, I seldom recommend changing a poem to free verse style, but this is one instance in which it seems to the best choice. A Soldier's Life begs to be released from the restrictions of form.
What clues tell us this?
First, forced rhyme - quite a bit of it, in fact. In particular, the phrase traffic flow appears to have been chosen simply to create a rhyme. Also, sorry sight to see and then went mum. Even with the forced phrasing, the mom/mum rhyme does not work well.
Second, rhythm that does not fit. A quick syllable count reveals just how far away from proper form this poem still is. The syllable counts for the first three stanzas reveal a large discrepancy, which will be virtually impossible to reconcile:
7, 10, 10, 11
13, 10, 9, 12
7, 12, 10, 11
Since thirteen is almost twice as much as seven, these lines have a long way to go before reaching good metered form.
I have experienced this problem in my own poetry. Making the decision to switch to free verse is always difficult, as we all tend to hold on to our own words and the original style.
I suggest that saki try rewriting this work without the rhyme and meter. Concentrate on the emotion-filled scenes in the story. Allow the narrator to speak in his natural voice, so the reader will experience war in the same way a soldier would.
It’s always a good idea to keep the original work, even after rewriting in another style, at least until you are certain you like the change. If free verse does not work out, it’s still possible to go back and refine the rhyming version. In these times of personal computers and printers, our work is much easier in terms of rewriting, deleting, saving, and sharing.
Most powerful phrases:
Now don't ask me whether it was wrong or right.
This line summarizes the thoughts which must go through every soldier's mind. There is such sadness in realizing the conflict felt by everyone touched by war. The poet has opened a sensitive area.
I fought for all I was worth;
A true expression reminding us of the humanity involved, as well as the sacrifices made every day.
But by and by I received a hero's welcome,
Irony overflows in this line - a welcome for a dead soldier.
A Soldier's Life transmits a strong impact, even in its tight form. Once it is released and edited, saki will have a work with an important message, clearly stated. Thank you, saki.
Patty Zion, Staff Editor