Sunbath Of Cleansing by Leadaches

When shadows invade my soul

my eyes shades drawn shut,
within the house of dank despair,
I enter God's balmy, bright sauna
to bathe my weary flesh
in healing calm.
.
Perched on a rock,
a bannister or chair,
it wraps me in brilliance
erasing the dark clouds
from round corners in my mind
.
like a vast hot air tub,
where I soak out tightness,
as knotted nerves stretch
and nap in its embrace.
.
Eyes closed, face tilted upward,
smiles flex muscles
on some distant beach
just west of new hope,
or perched on a mountaintop

an eaglet about to try its wings.

~~~~~~~~~~~Leadaches

Sunbath of Cleansing relates a transcendent experience as the narrator soaks up the calmness of sunlight and spiritual peace. Leadaches uses nature references and soaring language to develop a scene laden with a sense of escape.

Strengths:.

The strongest aspect of Sunbath of Cleansing is its theme. From start to finish, the reader bathes in sunlight, accompanying the narrator on his brief but urgent vacation from life’s stresses. The healing essence of sunlight becomes the distinct unifying idea which draws the reader forward through each line to the finish.

Leadaches stays true to his established voice and style as he plays a few tricks on the reader, using words which suggest double meanings and sleight of hand. A poet’s most prized possession is his or her distinct approach – a fingerprint which will stand out in any volume of poetry or journal. This is the best way to create and maintain a following of fans. Leadaches uses his special voice in each of his works, and this one is no exception.

Suggestions for improvement:

The opening sentence contains an error.

When shadows invade my soul

my eyes shades drawn shut,
.

At the least, it needs an apostrophe after the word eyes to indicate that the shades belong to his eyes. But it might be even better to delete the word eyes completely, or to simply say:

my eye shades drawn shut,.

Two problems present themselves in this section:

Perched on a rock,
a bannister or chair,
it wraps me in brilliance
.

The sentence structure here creates a dangling participle. Generally, a modifier should adjoin the word it modifies. In this instance, the modifier, perched, is meant to refer to the narrator. The narrator is perched on a rock, banister, or chair. Unfortunately, the word perched here modifies the object of the sentence, it. Therefore, the sentence tells us that the sun is perched on a rock, bannister, or chair.

This sentence has another problem. Usually we want to keep constructions parallel. This means, for example, that if one noun in a list is modified by the word a or an, every word in that list should be so modified. I suggest rewriting this sentence to correct both the dangling participle and the nonparallel construction. Here is one way it could be edited:

As I perch on rock,

bannister or chair,

sunlight wraps me in brilliance.

The following phrase does not seem to fit the story, as it implies a softness or gentleness of thoughts before the sunlight enters.

from round corners in my mind.

While the word round is apt for the image of clouds, it connotes comfort, and is therefore not appropriate to describe the narrator’s state of mind.
.

Notable phrases:

within the house of dank despair,
.

This phrase, set carefully in the introduction, establishes a contrast between a dark, wet, moldy place and the brilliant, warm sunlight we are about to visit. Leadaches has selected each word with attention to the mood he desires. Contrast can achieve much in the confines of poetry.

just west of new hope,
.

A gentle play on words, adding one more touch of joy to the mix.

or perched on a mountaintop

an eaglet about to try its wings..

While this ending is unexpected, it still makes perfect sense when we consider the miniature story the poet has penned. Emerging from dark recesses, he has discovered sunlight and the glory of its emancipation. Surely this feeling approaches the freedom of an eagle about to take a first flight.

Sunbath of Cleansing stays true to a theme and a mood. Leadaches has constructed a poem with a simple yet meaningful style. Most readers should be able to relate to the experience of being cleansed by light and warmth. This poem needs a few adjustments to make it ready for publishing. Thank you, Leadaches.

Patty Zion, Staff Editor

dazzleu at windstream.net