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TJMF Publishing - Open Mike Cafe Editor's Desk Staff Editor Patty Zion |
Truth with Consequences By laura
I watch the salt and pepper pair
walking hand in hand.
My heart is filled with joy, yet envy,
as laughter echoes
over the lull of ocean air.
Still playful, they frolic
on the ocean's edge;
actions speak their truth.
Never friends, we built our lives
with no foundation.
Tears tumble
as I remember strolls,
alone.
Actions speak our truth, as well.
Our life, a playground slide -
up one moment, down the next;
laughter is seldom heard
in the halls of our home.
Yet, after three decades
and seven years,
I hold onto hope;
hope that one day we'll be
that salt and pepper pair,
bringing joy to the watchful eye
of a stranger.
Truth with Consequences conveys an emotional tale of a marriage in which love has been buried or nonexistent. The narrator watches an older couple enjoying time at the beach, and mourns for the lost companionship with her husband throughout their marriage. She wonders whether she and her spouse will someday be like the couple she’s watching - an example of love which other couples might watch and aspire to.
Strengths:
In Truth with Consequences, laura concentrates on the emotion of the scene. Using a limited number of words and little repetition, she produces only the images she wants the reader to see. The poet avoids padding the piece with fluff or sideline stories. This keeps the impact strong. The poetic voice stays true to itself.
Laura manages to relate the contrasts and conflicting feelings of the narrator's situation. She mentions the concepts of up and down, joy coupled with envy, and hope even after many years of being together without romantic love. This is a simple scene, but the thoughts are complex.
Suggestions for improvement:
This piece of free verse states its case quite clearly. The only stumbling block, the image of a playground slide, seems to connote a more pleasurable experience than the phrases following it. Up one minute, down the next - while this is an accurate depiction of life on a sliding board, the slide itself holds a connotation much lighter and not in keeping with the desired mood. An alternative phrase might include a reference to the ocean - perhaps the fluctuation of the waves, or the shifting of sands.
The title does pique the reader's interest, but doesn't seem to speak precisely to the theme of the poem. Rather, we expect a tale of crime or deadly mistakes. Yes, this couple has made mistakes, but they fall into more of a personal than a legal category. I suggest choosing a title that more adeptly tells something about this scenario. In a work of so few words, the title provides one more opportunity to relate what is in the mind of the poet, and this poem demands an emotionally charged title. Again, the ocean itself could provide inspiration.
Most powerful phrases:
I watch the salt and pepper pair
The image of salt and pepper hair is strong, and the word pair, which rhymes with hair and thus evokes the image more clearly, is an excellent choice in this phrase. The gentle alliteration of P sounds also adds a poetic touch. Essentially, the poet shows a lifetime of love in a few words.
Yet, after three decades
and seven years,
Spelling out the number of years in this way - decades plus years - adds dimension and impact to the idea that the couple has been together for a total of thirty-seven years. We can feel the years passing with little or no change in their relationship.
Truth with Consequences successfully shows a poetic scene and delves into the thoughts of the narrator, mourning for what has been lost in the years together while still giving a glint of hope for the future. A wise selection of words and images supports the bittersweet mood, giving strength to the composition. . This poem needs only a bit of shaping to be ready for publishing. Thank you, laura.
Patty Zion, Staff Editor