 |
TJMF Publishing - Open Mike Cafe Editor's Desk Staff Editor Patty Zion |
Worn
By nwatte
I recall -
final conversations,
the place of illness,
a straw hat brimmed wide
in the effort to shield the sun
But -
It was not the cancer
that stole his life
rather the heart of wear . .
.
Wear -
because simplicity
is not found in sleeves
but hides within
There's nothing left
for her
I ferry her back and forth
and the fields of my raising
burn backbone laid
wide open
The sun grows black with
the shrivel of cord
and I refuse -
to hold her here . . .
I cover myself
"armored"
Worn relates the emotions of a daughter struggling with her mother's aging issues. We read about the narrator's father and his life's end, and then we take a step into the daily life and trials of the narrator's mother. The poem ends with a profound description of the narrator's desire to protect herself - armored.
Strengths:
This piece stays true to its voice and style from beginning to end. There is no wavering from the terse, tight use of few words. The reader can tell from the title and the first line that words will be at a minimum and emotions will be pointed out carefully, using veiled imagery.
The feelings of most adult sons and daughters come through clearly here. Virtually everyone who has lost a parent or helped an aging parent can identify with the narrator's fear and sense of loss.
Suggestions for improvement:
The danger with a concise poetic style is that the writer's ideas will not be clearly expressed. This happens in a few places in this poem. In particular, a gap exists between the idea of wear and simplicity, and again between simplicity and sleeves.
Also, this section talks around an idea, but uses incorrect sentence structure and does not accurately relate the meaning of fields burning a backbone.
and the fields of my raising
burn backbone laid
wide open
In fact, the reader questions what is really being said. Do the fields burn a backbone? Is the backbone laid open? Or both? The uncertainty goes beyond dual meaning or levels of meaning. It is true confusion and vague expression. This needs clarification.
Punctuation also requires some work in this poem. The em dashes (after the first line of each of the first three stanzas) do work well, although they are not technically correct. This falls into the category of poetic license, but some other punctuation does not work as well.
The ellipses, in both instances, draw attention by their lack of precision. A period would work more clearly in both cases.
The quotation marks around the final word are not necessary, and actually serve to distract the reader from what is being said. They can simply be omitted.
The poem will benefit from correct punctuation the whole way through, including a final period.
Most powerful phrases:
There's nothing left
for her
I ferry her back and forth
Here, we switch quickly from the father's story to the mother's story - a skillful transition by nwatte. The ferry works well as a moving vehicle to continue the tale. We are suddenly part of something that happens in the present; we sense the hopelessness of both mother and daughter.
I cover myself
"armored"
A gripping end for this poem, with few words and high impact. In an interesting but subtle way, the reference to cover and armor relates to the opening lines about the father's hat in the sun. We come full circle and feel the family bond.
Worn possesses a wealth of emotion, just under the surface, but poignant nonetheless. The poem will shine when it is further developed with a few more logical links to help the reader move smoothly from one idea to the next. By concentrating on clarity, precision, and punctuation, nwatte can make this poem publishable.
Patty Zion, Staff Editor