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TJMF Publishing - Open Mike Cafe Editor's Desk Staff Editor Patty Zion |
Yesterday by Larry Stokes
When I gathered around the grandchildren
I'd tell them a story about when I was their age.
Of a time when it was fine to take a walk
to the corner store when mom took a nap;
neighbors watched for neighbors
and the streets were a safe playground.
I talk about the nights when it was fun
to sleep outside and safe to open doors.
We didn't need to inspect candies
reaped from a night of Halloween
or walk that night with worried dads.
Predators were snakes and rabid dogs
not the quiet man down the street.
They laughed when I told them
Disney and champagne music
was family fare on a Sunday night
and violence was a clown falling down.
They would listen to my stories
and when we were done.
We would chain and lock the doors,
set the alarm and pray for safe keeping.
Yesterday sits down with the youngsters and relates a memory - a time of greater innocence, safety, and personal freedom. The poet seems to speak from direct experience combined with a longing for the earlier days of his own childhood. Simple in its approach, Yesterday has nostalgia written all over it.
Strengths:
The narrative stays primarily in the past, giving numerous concrete examples of why and how life felt better back then. Grandfather concentrates on making these scenes come alive, only briefly mentioning (in the final lines) the contrasting style of modern life. This allows the reader to draw the primary conclusions without a lot of preaching.
A faint sadness permeates the ending as we ponder the chains, locks, and security alarms. And yet, we feel the closeness and protection of a loving grandparent toward his little ones. This poem is extremely likeable and approachable.
Suggestions for improvement:
A few technical points arise:
When I gathered around the grandchildren
When I gathered the grandchildren around me (comma)
I'd tell them a story about when I was their age (dash)
of a time when it was fine to take a walk
to the corner store
whenwhile Mom took a nap;(period)Neighbors watched for neighbors (comma)
and the streets were a safe playground.
I talked about the nights when it was fun
to sleep outside and safe to open doors.
We didn't need to inspect candies
reaped from a night of Halloween
or walk that night with worried dads.
Predators were snakes and rabid dogs (comma)
not the quiet man down the street.
They laughed when I told them
Disney and champagne music
waswere family fare on a Sunday night (comma)and violence was a clown falling down.
They would listen to my stories (comma)
and when we were done (comma)
we would chain and lock the doors,
set the alarm and pray for safe keeping.
This poem contains quite a few passive verbs - was and were appear eight times. While some of these instances help to give a natural flow to the lines, several of them could be rewritten in an active voice. For instance,
of a time it felt fine to take a walk.
and
I talked about the fun-filled nights.
These small changes will bring more movement and urgency to the poem, even while keeping it in a past era.
The images of the past take us on a journey through time, but they could also use a little more sensory detail. Maybe we could feel the bounce of a ball on the pavement, or see fireflies during the outdoor sleepover, or hear the murmur of voices coming through the open doors. Grandfather's authentic voice might also slip into a few words - he could talk like an old-timer here and there. These small additions could infuse the poem with even more vitality.
Most Powerful Phrases:
or walk that night with worried dads.
This line brings home a picture of a father escorting his costumed children from door to door, wearing a slight frown himself.
Predators were snakes and rabid dogs
not the quiet man down the street.
The snakes and rabid dogs not only fit the description of predators, they also quietly convict the “snake” or the “dog” who preys on children. Good capture of a moral approach without saying it outright.
We would chain and lock the doors,
set the alarm and pray for safe keeping.
The ending is revealing, yet soothing. The children sleep, safe with Grandfather, but still living amid a threatening world.
Yesterday successfully spans the generations as a straightforward example of storytelling in poetry. With some touch-ups and additional sensory details, it will reach full measure, ready for publication. Thank you, Larry Stokes.
Patty Zion, Staff Editor