 |
TJMF Publishing - Open Mike Cafe Editor's Page Staff Editor Patty Zion |
Editor's Review choice for April
Bilbo's Dreams (The Hobbit) by MJ Harris
Blank verse (UK English)
Centred around 'The Hobbit'
The hollow steps tread ancient paths
as ringing voices reach the sky;
the forest whispers to cool breeze
dear Rivendell still holds my heart.
Shadows stretch toward unknown end,
holding mysteries deep inside;
the nightmares calm...then outward call,
I shall explore this land once more.
I journeyed far in younger days
away from comfort, Shire and kin.
A group of strangers, bold and strong,
we battled Orcs and flying beasts.
Throughout the trials, I changed a bit -
this Baggin's heart found deeper strength.
I thought of them instead of me,
and helped to free a troubled kind.
The dragon, Smaug, inflicted dread
but Bard dispatched him with his bow.
I still can hear the cheering town
that beckons me through echoed time.
A traveller I'll always be,
adventure courses through my soul.
Return I must to wonder's call,
to journey there and back again.
Bilbo's Dreams (The Hobbit) carries the reader to a different place, a different time, and a different world - a world of fantasy. The poem is a tribute to The Hobbit, a novel which J.R.R. Tolkien originally wrote as a children's story. A hobbit named Bilbo Baggins, the protagonist of The Hobbit, is the narrator chosen by Harris for this piece. But even readers who are not familiar with Tolkien's work can find meaning and escape in the lines of this poem.
Strengths:
MJ Harris has chosen to work in a form called blank verse, which consists of lines with iambic meter, but with no rhyme. This form fits the subject well, carrying out the early English mood and theme. The traditional British language of the poem is also appropriate to the subject.
In this poem, I see an overall theme that is also evident in The Hobbit: the appeal of adventure and travels, balanced against the importance of home and values.
The final line hints of more adventure yet to come, adding a feeling of wonder. This is a great takeaway for the reader.
Suggested areas for improvement:
While most of the poem fits easily into iambic rhythm, two specific lines stumble just a little. Before we examine the two lines, let's look at how iambic meter works.
This type of meter is based on a unit called the iamb, which has two beats or syllables, with the accent on the second beat. To reduce it to its simplest form, say the name Marie. There are two syllables, muh-ree. The second syllable is stronger, or louder, or longer, depending on how you pronounce the name.
A line of iambic verse contains a number of these iambs. In this particular poem, there are four iambs per line, so each line would sound something like this:
Marie Marie Marie Marie
(muh-ree muh-ree muh-ree muh-ree).
Using one line from the poem, we can see the similarity of meter:
I journeyed far in younger days
(I jour neyed far in young er days)
While a particular word may be in iambic meter when taken alone, the meter depends on where the word occurs in the line of poetry. So the word Marie does not necessarily make the meter iambic; it is the beginning, unstressed syllable of the line that sets the iambic meter, which must be carried through in the entire line.
To keep the rhythm from becoming singsong or boring, the poet might add a syllable at the end of a line, or a short syllable in the middle, like this:
I journeyed far in my younger days.
But normally, the poet would not add a syllable at the start of a line, as this would change the rhythm to trochaic rhythm. Note that the start of each line, more than the actual syllable count, determines the way the meter sounds. A line of iambic verse almost always starts with an unstressed syllable.
The two lines of this poem with stumbling rhythm are:
Shadows stretch toward unknown end,
holding mysteries deep inside;
The main problem is that these lines both start with a stressed syllable, so they are not in iambic meter. Here is one possible way to bring them into meter:
Gray shadows hide an unknown end,
With mysteries held deep inside;
Since this poem uses British English, the word mysteries would be pronounced with three syllables, but the reader can usually figure it out, guided by the rest of the line.
I suggest a semicolon instead of a comma at the end of this line, since the phrase following it could also stand alone as a sentence:
A traveller I'll always be{,}
adventure courses through my soul.
In this poem, there is one instance of subject-verb inversion, which does not seem necessary to the logic or meter, so I would prefer to see this line
Return I must to wonder's call,
revised as follows:
I must return to wonder's call,
Most powerful phrases:
Throughout the trials, I changed a bit -
this Baggin's heart found deeper strength.
I thought of them instead of me,
and helped to free a troubled kind.
These lines speak of the higher theme and message in the poem, summing up an inner journey in a few lines.
Bilbo's Dreams (The Hobbit) knows its own voice and carries that voice through each and every phrase. MJ Harris manages to condense the primary plot and themes of the original story into an enjoyable poem. Just a little more work on meter and phrasing will perfect this poem and prepare it for publication.
Patty Zion, Staff Editor
Patty is the editor on staff for TJMF Publishing. She is contracted to by TJMF Publishing but is also available for editing services outside of TJMF. If you have any questions please feel free to contact TJMF or Ms. Zion directly.