Patty's Pick of the Week

Robin My Hood

By Leadaches

 

As the spring rains subsided, 

I spied a mother robin today 

Dancing on her clawed feet

across my long driveway.

I could almost swear that I saw

a twinkle of merriment in her eyes

while she was robbing my hood.

For there before her was

a veritable smorgasbord

laid out in  lopsided rows

for this sole bird to feast upon

Scattered in huge lengths

were her fondest dreams come true.

You see the snow and rains had been rampant,

and all the worms fled the earth

seeking the higher ground

of a black asphalt sanctuary

steaming in the spring wash.

They had but two choices: 

slow drowning in the rising puddles

where grass once protruded

or a quick snatch of a sharp beak

and then regurgitation into

the tiny maws of baby birds.

It’s not easy being a worm

You have to eat dirt, you smell awful

and the only other thing your good for

is to attract cold fish.

But if that Robin could chirp

a more human tune

I am sure it would tweet quite brightly

through its worm encrusted beak,  

That old ditty we loved so well as kids,

"Nobody likes me, everybody hates me,

I'm gonna eat some worms!"

I watched it for awhile

 and when it had taken its fill 

it flew off in a bloated way 

into the cloudy horizon

bearing life for some fuzzy headed

specks of egg-burst hope.

Then at least one hundred brown commas

relaxed a wee bit as they stretched their

segmented sections in relief across

the somewhat dryer, less fatal oasis

of my drive,  not knowing that many of them

much later that day would be sacrificed

to all of my Goodyears

under the rubber tread of my four tires exiting

 across the backs of their last refuge.

~~~~~~Leadaches

 

 

Robin My Hood takes a humorous viewpoint on nature and spring, using word play, personification, and a lighthearted, conversational tone.  I found this poem very enjoyable. 

Strengths:

Those who have ever tried to write humor know how hard it is, and the poet wisely cues the reader early on that this is a humorous piece.  The title starts the whimsy rolling, and the twinkle in the robin's eye tips us off for sure.

 

The title piqued my interest immediately, making me wonder what was in store.

 

The reader receives the pleasure of looking at the world in a new way, as Leadaches outlines the twists and turns of a worm's life. The conversational tone helps the reader feel comfortable with the comedy as it unfolds, and is very appropriate for this work.

 

Suggested areas for improvement:

Add a period after this line: It's not easy being a worm.

 

This grammar error needs to be corrected:  and the only other thing your good for.

 

It should be:  and the only other thing you're good for.

 

Add a hyphen here:  worm-encrusted.

 

There is a small issue of usage in this line:  or a quick snatch of a sharp beak.

It should be:  or a quick snatch by a sharp beak.

 

Even though the style is conversational, the poem could use some tightening. There are a few phrases that don't advance the story or the tone.  Here are some suggestions: 

 

I could almost swear that I saw.  Instead, I suggest, I thought I saw.

 

for this sole bird to feast upon.

Scattered in huge lengths

were her fondest dreams come true. 

These ideas are implied by the preceding line, so I would place a period after smorgasbord and end the thought there.  The reader will figure it out easily.

 

You see the snow and rains had been rampant,

As it stands now, a comma is needed following You see. However, the words you see tend to pull the reader out of the scene, and are distracting.  I would omit them.

 

The phrase, it flew off in a bloated way feels slightly awkward.  Another way to phrase it might be: it flew off, bloated.

 

In my opinion, this poem ends at the word Goodyears. The last two lines are extraneous. Ending with Goodyears would provide a witty punch as the final takeaway. This is one of those times when it is better to let the reader figure things out, rather than overexplaining.

Most powerful phrases:

robbing my hood. Here, Leadaches ties the story to the title in an unforgettable play on words - great comedic approach!

a black asphalt sanctuary steaming in the spring wash. We can feel and see the steam rising off the asphalt, as the poet creates vivid imagery.

bearing life for some fuzzy headed/ specks of egg-burst hope. A killer phrase, with more imagery and a charming coined word:  egg-burst.  

 

one hundred brown commas. The poet has painted a picture with the minimum number of words, causing the reader to stare wide-eyed at a mental image of worms!

 

Goodyears. Many poets shy away from using brand names, but it's a technique that is highly recommended in modern poetry, and this is one instance where it works perfectly. Such a well-known brand name gives instant recognition, and adds to the humorous style of the poem.  The poetic advice, "Never call a tree a tree" holds true here.  The poet could have called a tire a tire, with lesser results. 

 

Robin My Hood brings humor and delight to an ordinary spring lawn scene.  Leadaches pulls the reader into the motivations and thoughts of robins and worms by using a unique poetic style.  With some trimming and corrections, this poem will be worthy of a place in a published book of poetry. Thank you, Leadaches.

 

Patty Zion, Staff Editor

dazzleu@alltel.net